OMG!!! THESE THOUGHTS ARE HAUNTING ME! I CANT STOP THIKNING ABOUT IT!!! I know its over, but a part of me doesnt want it to be over and the other part want it dead! I know I cant have it, and only the future will tell if I can have it again. Not for the touch, but for the love! I was truly in love with it and it wont leave me alone! It will but the thoughts wont! I hide it by being mean to it, but its gonna haunt me till my dying day!! I try to think of another, but it keeps on finding a way back to me! So many un-answered questions, so many empty promises, so many lies, so much forgiveness, so much betrayal, so much emotion, so much love. But I'm scared that I dont love it, but lust for it. I hope I dont have an obsession for it, and I hope I feel REAL love. But this love will never die, love itself never dies. It meant the world to me and it was taken away from me. Once I lost it it used to act that it wanted to be with me more than anything, but then it switches on me the next. It looks like it misses what it had with me, but everyone is saying different about its reasons, but does it even know what it wants? Does it know what I want? Does it know what I need? They tell me I will get better, that I will meet another it that wont be so blind like it, that its just a phase. So many questions, and only then when those questions are answered will I be satisfied and be able to forget it. But no one, not even it, willl answer those questions. And most of them dont know the true answer, only it knows the truth behind it all. It promised me to give me a new life, to take me away from the sin's of the world and give me the best life I could ever have. Did it lie? After everything that happened between us? Or did it just give up? Or did it obey the will of everyone else but me? I know it doesn't know about love and that I was it's first, I know its immature and I know it won't do me good as everyone tells me, but I love it.. Loved? Love? It doesnt make sense to me anymore. I would rather want death than this. It pretends that it doesn't look or even notice me, but I know better. I've seen it look at me when it thinks I'm not looking at it. It knows that I know it's secrets, even it's darkest one's and know's I can tell everyone about it. But why would it do that to me after I did it to it and it went and cried itself to sleep. It knew I did'nt want that, and it knew I was forced. Does it forgive me? Do I forgive it? I know I forgave it for that THING that it did all it's life, it knows that. It says yes to the dates, but it acts the next moment that it never wanted that in the first place. Is it just obeying my mother's command? It used to rebel and tell me that it would'nt let anything get in our way from being together. I fought for it with my life and it want to do the same, but didn't know how. It was so new to this feeling that it had, it didn't know what to do with itself. It didn't know what to do with me. It acted like it was in lust instead of love, but it didnt feel that way for me. It cried for me over and over and over again, it didn't know what to do with itself the day I almost died. It didn't want to lose me, saying that if it lost me, it wont live. Then why is it living right now? What does it really think about it's life? Does it have something planned in the future, like it used to say to me, to wait till I was older and everything would be better? Does it think that I hate it, or does it know the truth?
- Mood:
Frustrated - Listening to: Gun Shots from my mom playing Call of Duty
- Reading: Everyones Sweenet storys ;)
- Watching: Computer
- Playing: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
- Eating: Pork
- Drinking: Coke Zero